Is Money Causing Conflict With Your Partner?
A listener of my Real Money Stories weekly podcast, let's call her Chloe, recently got in touch. Chloe asked for my help in dealing with a difference of opinion between how she and her husband handle money.
In her email, she wrote:
"My husband and I have totally different views on money. I am motivated by money and have money goals that I would like to achieve. However, my husband has very little financial wisdom. So much so that it was very early on in our marriage that we decided separate bank accounts were the way to go. We have one joint bank account for the mortgage, insurance policies, pensions etc. Everything else is from separate bank accounts.”
She continued:
"My husband's generosity to others is driving me crazy. I know that he has no money. In fact, he has about £5000 in debt and no money until payday. Yet when someone asked him today to loan them $300 to help get their child to school, he has offered to lend them that money... even when he hasn't got it! I can totally see why he wants to help people, but he hasn't got the money. Can you give me any ideas or suggestions for helping my husband get a grip?”
A Common Problem
Chloe's situation is not unusual. Numerous studies have found that money is one of the biggest causes of stress and relationship conflict or breakdown. Constant arguments about money and the stress it creates can also have a detrimental effect on your physical health.
A new survey from the UK's Money & Pensions Service found that around 40% of respondents admitted keeping money secrets from loved ones. This suggests that many people find it hard to get on the same page with their partners about money.
Financial Identity
The diagram below shows that our money-related values, beliefs, behaviours and routines are a complex interaction of personality traits, environment and emotions.
Deborah Price is a US money expert who developed 8 Money Archetypes. My friend and leading UK money coach, Fanny Snaith, offers a free online quiz to help determine your money archetype. You can take the quiz here.
Chloe's husband's approach to money will be based on deep-seated beliefs about money that he developed in childhood. It might be that he believes money is evil. Or he might feel he doesn't deserve money when he sees others who are in need.
Hard as it might be to accept, Chloe is the one who needs to do the work first to help heal the rift between them. Her current approach is clearly not working, so a change of tactics is required.
The Need For Control
There are things that Chloe can and can't control. Her happiness is affected by her ability to understand and accept that fact and to focus on those things that she can control. Chloe can't control her husband's actions, but she can control how she reacts to them.
If Chloe keeps showing disappointment with her husband's money skills, it will just make him feel increasingly useless and defensive. When he lends or gives people money he doesn't have, he feels useful and valued. People repeat behaviours that make them feel good, even if they are destructive in the long run. He probably doesn't see the damage it is doing to his marriage or family security.
It's perfectly fine for Chloe to have different money beliefs from her husband. But when they lead to money behaviour that sabotages the family's security, wellbeing and harmony, it needs addressing.
“It's perfectly fine to have different money beliefs to your partner. But when they lead to money behaviour that sabotages the family's security, wellbeing and harmony, it needs addressing.” Tweet This
Chloe's husband may be in denial about the consequences of his money actions. Or they might mask deeper-seated emotional problems or issues with the marriage itself.
Communication Is Key
Chloe needs to talk to her husband about how she feels and how they can work together to use money in a way that meets both their individual and shared needs. She needs to do this at a time and in a way that doesn't make her husband defensive. A calm, optimistic and future-focused conversation is best.
One way to start this conversation gently is for Chloe and her husband to talk about their childhood money experiences. If they can share their feelings about money, then they will better understand and be able to support each other.
A married couple or civil partnership should combine financial resources and share a common approach to money. But there is nothing wrong with having separate accounts for personal fun or discretionary spending, as long as this has been agreed and not imposed.
No couple agrees on everything. Identifying those life values, priorities and milestones on which Chloe and her husband can agree will help them devise a practical way of handling money.
A Money Coach Can Help
I'm a big fan of money coaching, and I would recommend that Chloe and her husband have a few virtual sessions with a trained money coach. Fanny Snaith coaches couples on developing a shared approach to money to improve relationship harmony. To book a free initial exploratory consultation, click here.
Financial harmony in a relationship starts with good communication. Then you can develop a shared understanding of your life values and lifestyle priorities, which also respects each other's different money personalities and preferences.
P.S. My Instagram Live tomorrow (18th November) at 19:30 GMT is on this same topic. So make sure you head over to my page @jbthewealthman to ask me any questions you have in real time.